Get the flu.
No, I’m serious. Get the flu for two solid weeks and see what happens. Your house will pile up. You won’t go to work. Your projects will grow dusty. Your head will be full of sniffles and the droning hum of nothingness. Your days will flow into one another and night will look like day and day will look like night and YOU, dear self, will look like absolute shit.
Come out of the flu-fog about 2 weeks later and have that “oh shit, I’m so behind on everything” moment and then be too tired to panic about it.
I got a hefty raise and a huge bonus at work but I’ve been feeling so crappy I haven’t even celebrated it. I’ve also had some epiphanies about things that needed settling.
So, here’s the thing: I used to feel really responsible when people were having a different relationship with me than I was having with them. As if the un-agreed-upon parameters were somehow my fault. I’m older now and I’ve been through an 11-year-relationship with the world’s biggest manipulator and my tools around dealing with babies in shitty diapers masquerading as adults are much, MUCH better. So, no, dear person, I am not going to read your mind and I am not going to tap-dance when you throw a fit and I am not going to react with fear-based behavior when you threaten to withdraw your friendship or love or whatever because I’m not that girl anymore. If you have been having a relationship with me that I did not consent to, agree with, or even seem to be aware of…then that, dear person, is your shit and not mine and while I certainly feel the sting of farewell when it comes, I no longer take that shit into my lap and cradle it like a teething puppy as it bites me bloody. Nope, if you need to ease on down the road, then try not to take a steaming shit on my doorway before you do. Just do your thing and I’ll do mine.
And another thing: Get an identity. Preferably your own. Nobody likes a tailgater.
I sound annoyed…and maybe I am. I just don’t understand this lack of authenticity with grown adults. And maybe it isn’t about authenticity with some people? Maybe it’s a flat-out lack of emotional maturity. Either way, get thee to a nunnery.
I laid in bed several nights over the last couple of weeks thinking about what I want to do next. Start another business? Travel? Go back to school? So far, going back to school is winning. I have no idea why I need another degree or what I will gain from study that I can’t read in a book but I’ll give it a semester, maybe two, and see what happens. I poked around on the film school website a little too much and now I’m having sugarplum dreams of producing short films or getting into writing screenplays. It’s always something and I need about 5 more days in the week to make it all happen.
I don’t know where the last two weeks have gone. The slate feels clean and tottering with too much at the very same time. What to do. What to do.