You know those times in life where you are depleted of every breath, every drop of blood, and every ounce of energy for pretty much anything? Yeah, I was there.
And then I wasnt.
Because we found a house and are closing on it on Wednesday.
Just like that.
I am still having so many random bursts of “whatthefuckandisthisreallyhappeninnnggggggg?” coupled with “holy shit this is happening!”.
The last month has been a whirlwind of visits to the home for the initial viewing, the various inspections, and even an impromptu open house that was pre-planned before we made our offer. There have been hours upon hours spend on the phone, scanning documents, tracking down random people at our brokerage to answer financial questions, and even random tears of exhaustion and joy.
The house…God, the HOUSE. It’s a huge fucking rambling sanctuary of windows and sunlight and nooks and built-in cabinets and tall ceilings and judges panelling (I’m a sucker, yanno), and just about the most perfect layout ever for entertaining or making noise or hell, just existing.
The outside is wrapped on 2 sides by decks and porches and lounging areas and there is a kidney-bean-shaped pool lazing in the middle of the back yard. There are huge pine trees and random decorative bushes and I cannot WAIT to get my hands on some seeds for my “black garden” that I intend to fill with black dahlias and black roses and black lilies.
The house feels like a dream right now and I am still afraid it’s going to be ripped away from us because it really is just too good to be true. We’ve been shoving random things in boxes but also having a weird inertia where everything feels stunted and cottony and thick with atrophy. We’ve cried so much the last year that we’ve gotten damned comfortable with just letting it flow whenever we feel it so there have been lots of funny moments of random tears the past couple of weeks where I just burst out crying over the house and how very much I wish my beloved Mother-in-Law could have seen the gardens and the decks. She would have loved it and immediately set about planting and planning. I sure do miss her.
There’s a huge formal office in the front of the house that’s about 150 square feet and it is absolutely covered floor to ceiling with the richest wooden judge’s paneling I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty much the creative and witching space I’ve always dreamed of and I have gone to be so many nights in a row now rearranging furniture in my head and deciding where the books and crystals and various animal parts will live in that glorious room.
The kitchen needs a little work because there are black marble countertops that were probably a good idea back in the early 2000s but coupled with the black appliances that are already there, just suck the life out of the room. We will be changing those and all the appliances slowly but surely.
Looks like I am also going to get my brand new Electrolux washer and dryer if JD has her way. I’ve never been a brand name person for much of anything but I know Electrolux are what my Mother coveted when I was growing up and it feels kinda perfect that I’ll have them now. JD seems to be on a mission to spoil me or maybe just have nice stuff that we don’t have to think about for awhile considering everything we’ve been through in the last year.
We are also getting a lot of new furniture because not much of what we have now are things we like or things we feel will hold up to a move. Besides, we both are ready to shed some old energies and want to enjoy picking out things that we love together. Nesting. Perfection.
So, as unexpected as finding this house was, it’s already such a beautiful reprieve from being so sad for the last few months. I feel like I can smile again. Like there will be room to spread out. Like there will be room to breathe. Room to create. Room to heal.
The house isn’t perfect and there will definitely be things we need to fix or address but for now, it’s about as close to Nirvana as I can imagine. The perfect space to grow old together.
I am physically tired most days because my body has a mind of its own lately but mentally and spiritually I am more energized than I’ve been in a year. So many ideas for decorating and creating and so many things I want to try to learn or do now that we have more space. Gardening and vegetables and stained glass and sewing and and and. All the most wonderful things.
So, dear ether or whoever is out there listening, THANK YOU for the reprieve. THANK YOU for the ray of sunshine that we are FINALLY able to feel through this pandemic and all the death and sadness.
We shall do our best to be worthy of all the gifts from the universe.
So mote it be.