We lost my Mom-in-Law last month.
In a way, we also lost my Father-in-Law because his mind finally gave way to all that is Dementia and sundowning and the horrible reality of “still here but not really”.
I thought we would both have a nervous breakdown before we figured it all out and I’m not quite ready to say it’s not still a possibility. We’ve cried and raged and tried to understand all of it but there just isn’t any relief from it mentally or spiritually.
I’ve tried to be a strong support system for my Wife and I think I have mostly succeeded but I find myself so fucking angry at the world for putting her through all of this, for crushing her heart with death and Dementia and grief and stress and horrible family members and all that comes with trying to so all of that during the time of Covid19.
There have been a lot of sleepless nights. A lot of hours spent staring at the wall. A lot of just sitting in silence holding one another while the walls buzz with all that is the new reality.
I loved my Mom-in-law dearly. She was a kind and gentle spirit and by far, the smartest woman I’ve ever met. So sharp. So interested in the world. So sweet and thoughtful. She welcomed me into the family over 4 years ago with a warm embrace that made me feel truly loved and accepted and I’ve never been able to fully express my gratitude for her and all that she was with just words.
There was a bad day several weeks ago right after it all happened when I was staying with my wife at my Mom-in-Law’s home and decided to clean out the freezer and sanitize the kitchen in case visitors dropped by with a casserole (Newsflash: They didn’t. But that’s another post). I was deep into clearing the freezer of iced-over bags of veggies when I saw a yellow sticky note with my MIL’s familiar shaky handwriting stuck to a Ziplock bag of chicken. On it, she had written “Bella”.
I broke down crying right there in the kitchen. She saved that piece of meat for my dog and it pretty much embodies how fully loving and thoughtful she was not just with my animal, but as a person.
I miss her. Desperately.
But right now my job is to be beside JD and hold her up through her grief process. My job is to help make the arrangements and gather the documents. My job is to serve as a wall between her and family members. My job is to remind her that she is not alone.
I’ve got a lot of energy and love to do that. I just hope I do it right. <3