For someone who loves people as much as I do, I really don’t like people lately. I’ve asked myself if I’m making my world smaller on purpose or if it’s just happening because I’m getting better about where I put my time.
We finally finished moving out of our THREE storage units and I’ve got at least one of those units loaded into my car and part of the garage to get rid of in the estate sale. Funny how things meant a lot at one point, enough to pay to store them, and now they are all, “Meh, let it go…”. Most of it is absolute junk. Books we’ve already read. Furniture that doesn’t make sense. Clothes and shoes for a girl who is older and wiser now.
I’m going back to school. At least I think I am. In 3 weeks. I’ve said this before but I’m actually in the process now because I can’t not go back to school any longer. I want to be there, learning. So I’m going.
We booked a trip to Alaska next year. Seven days on a cruise ship in a suite with a hot tub and a butler. I don’t know who the fuck we think we are but it feels decadent and crazy and exactly correct given that the last year has been a big tangle of WTF.
My Dad’s birthday was last Sunday. I did not call him.
There are 3 books growing in my head right now and if I don’t pluck at least one of them out, they are all going to rot under fuzzy black mold. The one that wants written is violent and awful and ugly and full of the pus of angry, wronged women. I like her the best so maybe I’ll fuck with her for awhile.
And I’m dreaming of making a lofty pause on social media for a week or a month or a quarter, I don’t know. Something along the lines of, “I might be here to sniff around every now and again but I have things that need doing and looking at your dinners and selfies isn’t part of those things. People often fascinate me or bore the shit out of me, and rarely is there an in between. Maybe I’m an asshole for that but I’m fine being an asshole.
If I do pause there, I am hoping the turbulent waters of writing and tea and laughing at my own jokes over an iMac screen let me go a little bit crazy for just a tiny bit of time. Like I was in my early twenties, all hell and heart as I often say. A little bit of fiery pit of burning rage and terror and the soft pillowy vanilla-ness of pure optimism and joy over small things. The girl can live in both worlds at the same time, you know. Both pessimist and optimist. Lover and fighter. Bright-eyed earlybird ready to face the day and weary dark lover of the night stabbing knives through yesterday’s unfulfilled desires.
I’ve always been a chasm of black and white. Two poles on opposite ends of this star-speckled universe, just trying to make sense of the gap.
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