Listening to: “Bottom of the River” by Delta Rae
“Hold my hand…Oooh baby…It’s a long way down to the bottom of the river…”
So she says.
I’ve been re-evaluating so many things: How I spend my time. What makes me smile. Who I lean on when shit gets real. How I can be more present. The years I gave to a few family members who didn’t deserve it. Finding my true love at the age of 40. The changes happening to my body. My mind. My heart.
I generally wake up every single day happy to be alive. I have so many ideas bursting forth from my brain that I have to comb through what is viable in the immediate so that I don’t get overwhelmed with “set yourself on fire and drive 150 mph to make it all happen”.
When the pot has burned dry on the stove of my mind and there are nothing left but little white flecks of God-knows-what jumping around in the scorching pan, when it is all empty and on the verge of burning my entire house down, my most supreme truth is that I want what matters.
I want beauty. Not necessarily on my face but around me. In my world. Pretty things to look at, to touch, to smell. Serenity and joy and a warm bed of a job well done.
I want to spend less “bullshit” time on social media. I love knowing what everyone is up to, what is happening politically, all the latest memes making me smile, random articles on medieval torture or the latest recipe on Chicken Picatta, Facebook, Instagram, all of it. I love all of that but when I think of how I spent my day sometimes, there are too many things that don’t matter and a fair amount of those things come from what so-and-so is doing, who is catfishing with 15 year old photos, what bullshit Trump has pulled in his latest bid to destroy the world, or random diatribes from mouth-breathing trogs who I actually care not a single fuck about. I do like pretty pictures and poetry and beautiful videos and things that make me feel joy so…more of those kinds of things and less of the things and people who really are just simple and shallow and vapid as fuck.
Finally, I want to paint again or create…anything…with my hands. Not necessarily another website or another social sphere or another storefront or anything digital. Maybe jewelry or artwork or runes or cards or just…anything from my marrow.
So mote it be.
All of it.
And especially the gushy parts.